if you don’t conceive on your honeymoon, baby jesus weeps…

(or, follow our normative heterosexual agenda or else we’ll talk really bad about you behind your back, imply something is wrong with you and shame you implicitly)

For some reason this myspace blog post from a friend of mine really struck a chord in me:

My sister-in-law beams at me from across the room, the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree reflecting in her eyes.  “You’re going to love this gift!” she says.  I tear into it, not knowing what to expect…and discover a Halloween costume – for an infant.  All would be fine, I guess, except for the fact that I don’t have a child.  Nor am I pregnant.  Another reminder of what I am *supposed* to be doing.

In full disclosure, the friend and her husband are trying to conceive, so its not as if the baby costume is fully random. however, they haven’t conceived yet. so it’s still a sort of presumptuous/obnoxious gift (even if i was pregnant, I think I’d be pissed if people started using my birthday/christmas gift opportunities to give me articles of clothing for my unborn child … like, uh, yeah, I’m gonna be a mommy, but I still really could have used a pair of pants or season 3 of arrested development or whatever….)

But anyway — she’s 29, been married for 6 years. From what I understand, most of their relatives and some of their friends have been harping on them for years about not having children yet …. its been sort of inconceivable to everyone that they didn’t get married and immediately start getting toward the god-given purpose of marriage, to procreate as early and much as possible, obviously. heaven forbid they want to spend a few years together as married adults of their own agency before bringing another life into the picture.

I understand they want grandchildren or nieces/nephews, or whatever.  I get that.  I also understand that my husband and I have been married for a long time and have been “unproductive” – which is unfamiliar territory to a largely Catholic-based family.  What they don’t seem to understand is that we really weren’t ready until now, and now that we are ready, it’s not happening easily. 

the worst part is, I’ve heard people talking about them, and it’s always: “well, you know, I think he would have been ready to have kids years ago but she didn’t want to.” i have no idea whether this is true or not, but they’re a pretty egalitarian couple and if they decided not to have kids yet, I’d wager it’s because THEY decided not to have kids yet. But I think it seems like it happens a lot, that the woman in the couple gets blamed for this. Even if she does want children and the husband doesn’t, she’s blamed for not somehow forcing him to participate in child-rearing against his will …

and if she’s not getting to the business of making babies, like my friend isn’t, there’s a lot of people who have no business making it their business speculating about why the woman doesn’t want to, and, in so many words, what is wrong with her. because everybody knows you’re not a woman/wife ’til you have children, and that’s all women really secretly want to do anyway ….

anyway, my friend and her husband are trying to conceive now, having finally decided its the right time, but they are having a hard time of it. and it’s so sad to see my friend blaming herself for not being able to conceive, and second-guessing the decisions they made:

The pressure is on, I feel like time is running out, and it’s out of my control.  I feel broken – like this is something that should come naturally and easily, and I can’t produce.  I have failed. I start wondering if I shouldn’t have put this off. 

that last sentence really got me. its very sad to see her have internalized that thought process that putting off pregnancy was wrong and led to some sort of karma that won’t allow her to get pregnant now … i feel like this is part of a sort of great unspoken mechanism used by society to shame women/couples into having children … the “you’ll regret it later if you don’t start now” wisdom, or, for those who are trying to start, “well, perhaps you should have started earlier.” either way, if you don’t reproduce, you’re wrong, and if you can’t reproduce, it’s your fault.